And I’ll try to remember that when I get the occasional disharmonious convergence in my own life. I’ve noticed they don’t last long, fortunately.

Before I share my story of the worst week ever, I have to send a message to Sue. That book, 23 mInutes in Hell is a very real experience that for a lot of people was a real “wake up” call, given the path they were on. I considered giving this to my brother-inlaw last year but then opted for the kinder, more compassionate choice of “90 Minutes in heaven”,the true story of a man who died, went to heaven and then returned to life 90 minutes later. What your sister is going through is a “wake up “call for her own life. It is by no means the right “message” for you. I am an evangelical Christian, working in ministry, but I spent 14 years exploring and learning from all spiritual paths and I really respect and honour every person’s individual journey. We all find Truth in our own way, in God’s time. In the meantime, we are all “beings in lesson”, learning sometimes through pain and sometimes through joy. It is when we stop learning and growing that there is a problem. Maybe your sister had stopped learning and growing and going back to the Catholic faith was her way of recognising that she needs Truth back in her life. I am sure you have seen in your work that so often people proeject whatever they are going through onto others simply because they are not yet 100% at peace with their own experience and decision? I know this was the case for me when I abandoned the Catholic faith my husband introduced me to and became a born-again Christian. Now he is gradually re-awakening his faith in Catholic teachings as a path that is right for him and I honour and respect that- but four years ago I would have given him “23 Minutes in hell” too!! It would have been nothing more than a refelction of where I was in my own journey and spiritual growth… so pelase take your sister’s “gift” in this vein and thank Spirit for putting her on the path that is right for her while you pursue your own. It will mean you will grow apart and never share the same kind of connection as before but I live by my mentor’s words : “It doesn’t matter as long as we are together in heaven when all this is over”.

Given this theme, I am just now starting to make sense of the waful Christmas week I had. My husband and I have been spearated for 18 months but 2 months ago began communicating about ways to reconcile and put our family back together, We had help from an awesome “divorce coach” who used reverse psychology to show us both that the pain and trauma of divorce would be far worse and long-term than any difficulties we are experiencing now. I decided to surprise my husband for Christmas by taking the kids to visit him in Johannesburg. He knew that I was going to Johannesburg for business the week before Christmas and we had already discussed plans around Christmas and him seeing the kids, He had told me that becaus of 3 deaths in his family, his parents and siblings would not be having the usual large celebration and that he therefore didn’t want to plan anything for Christmas day but would come to see the children at New Year’s. Nevertheless, I thought he would be happy to spend Christmas day with our kids. Instead, he told me I was impsing on his parents at a difficult time and this was characteristic of how insenstive I always am to what other people are going through! This was so hurtful because of the breakthroughs I made in spiritual coaching and Christian marriage counseling in 2009. I never considered myself qualified or expert enough to work in these areas even though I love working with individuals in this way. The opportunity to work in these areas and get recognition for it in 2009 was really a huge blessing. It helped me let go of a lot of negative self-talk and past conditioning and pursue my passion. However, it was a tough road becuase I had to start out doing it voluntarily for my church and didn’t get paid a cent. That was ahuge investment of time and energy to make for free but it was worth it; I grew myself spiritually and in terms of character as a result, so I really felt that loving-kindness, compassion and selfless service are “gifts” I gave myself and can now share with others. Having my husband turna round and tell me I was still as insensitive and self-centred as ever was a real blow. I also made m anxious about the delicate process we have begun of moving towards reconciliation. I forced myself to control my emotions, not to get angry and to just examine my own motives and actions as honestly as possible. Then I phoned the divorce coach and had an unexpected session with her that really challeneged my perceptions and beliefs. Basically she showed me that I cannot expect everything to go as I plan it, to conform to my wishes and to revolve around my feelings and undertanding of a situation. She reminded me that 18 months is a long time of separation, in which my husband has gone on with his life without the kids and I and he probably is used to structuring his own time and activities without considering us. She showed me that if it took 18 months for him to learn to operate independently, it may take another 18 months for him to re-adjust to having his family back in his life. I wasn’t expecting that! I never considered how long it will take to repair the damage that was done so strated beating myself up for having allowed this situation to develop and be prolonged as long as it has. I also felt a lot of anxiety about what to do in the meantime- do I return to my missions work outside South Africa, dragging the kids from one place to another, developing projects that are under-resourced and do barely pay my expenses? If not, how do I re-integrate into city life and establish a spiritual coaching and counseling practice in a far more competive, sophisticated environment where my network is very small and my resources quite limited? Like you, i thought ” Have I worked hard, made sacrifices, put other peoples’ needs before my own and been charitable and giving for 4 years only to have it all come crashing down like this?” I was also dissapointed in the “divorce coaching” process- why didn’t it prepare me for this? Why do I have to do all the hard wotk and hen be forgiving, understanding and sensitive to my husband’s reality and needs ? What about my needs?

I decided to spend Christmas day with my parents, sister and brother-in-law instead and travelled 400kms on Christmas eve to be with them. My mother has always created a wonderful atmosphere for Christmas, with a beautiful tre, decorations, loads of wonderful dishes, carols playing all day long, stockings stuffed by the fireside and the whole family gathered around to exchange gifts, eat and just enjoy the time we have together. But this year my sister had to work on Christmas day (she is a chef at a hotel), my brother-in-law decided to go and see his family in another town and my grandmother had been burgled, so my father was spending Christmas day installing burglra buars at her house. On Christmas eve, when I got to my parent’s house, my mother had my suster’s 2 toddlers in tow and was trying to cook while baby-sitting so she was tired, stressed and dissapointed about the way things were turning out. She told me point blank that I should have stayed in Johannesburg because I was just making more work for her! My own exhaustion and emotional strain from the week before took its toll, overwhelming me, and we had a nasty argument. I sepnt Christmas day alone with my kids, angry at my mother for runing the traditional Christmas experience we always created, angry at my husband for loaing up the kids’ bags with playstation games that kept them glued to the tv screen all day and seriously questioning whether God really looks after those whom He professes to love and care for.

What I elarned from all this is that we are not in control. I had just finished writing a workbook for my spiritual coaching clients that I hope to sell, in which I share the story of how I “let myself off the hook of beleieving a mother and wife has to be manager of the universe”. My mother modeled this ideal for me and I could never live up to it. I realised o Christmas day, that my sister, who does a far better job at being manager of her personal universe, was not there to keep everything together and my mother had to face the fact that she no longer has the same energy levels as when she was young. I also had to dump whatever guilt I felt about never having followed in their footsteps by being good at cooking, decorating and creating a festive atmosphere. I missed the simple, no-fuss Christmas my husband and I always used to have, opening presents around the pool-sde while we got the barbecue going and then spending the evening with his family at a restaurant for Christmas dinner. I realised that in the absence of this tradition, my husband simply didn’t know what to do this year, just as my mother and I were at loose ends. I decided this “shift” in the pattern of our lives signals the need to shift in toher areas of life as well. So I sepnt the time between boxing day and New Year’s meditating on this shift and on what God is using it for. I know hat God always has a purpose when dramatic energy shifts occur and the best thing we can do is find the still, quiet place withing where His purpose becomes apparent. I realised that there is amjor shift taking place in the arth and it is affecting everyone everywhere in different ways. All difficulties, pain, unxpected coditions and suffering expereinced as a result are signals that we must be willing to adjust soemthing in our lives, our outlook, our beleif system or the systems we rely on to get things done.

I’m now looking forward to sharing more of these insights and the practical things we can do to anchor our energy in “shifting” times in the workbook I am developing : Letting yourself off the hook. As soon as it’s ready, you’ll be the first to get a copy

Please don’t send me chocolates- there is a global 21-day fast taking place to embrace the shift taking place worldwide so I’m “letting myself” off the hook of stressing about how to get chocolates delivered to Lesotho! LOL

Tabitha

It is a true gift. Everyone who has written has made my going through this and revealing this, worthwhile. I have renewed my faith in others, my faith in revealing myself as imperfect, and that even sharing small things can impact so many people in unexpected ways. That is a great lesson for me but also anyone reading this I think. I coul dhave just as easily stayed withdrawn or hid how I was really feeling. By releasing it I let it all go and felt INSTANTLY better – all good for me. But then by putting it out there to the world – other people have felt comfort, and 1 person even solidified her idea for an e-book. That is amazing.

I am truly grateful.

thanks for all the love and hugs!

thank you again.

Stefanie

Its interesting what just happened to you. May be a good start to find more clients and have your gifts spread out to more groups. Please keep me posted, I’d love to follow what choices you make.

Many blessings to YOU. Life has a great plan for you as well.

Stefanie

Thanks so much for sharing.

Stefanie

http://wp.me/prq7a-n

My tradition for ending one year and starting another had become to go skiing and avoid the commercialism and family guilt trips of the season. But a couple of years ago, instead of enjoying the slopes of Silverstar and Big White, we both got sick and spent our time as couch potatoes watching TV and filling up the waste paper baskets with tissue. So the weight I gained from some eating excesses did not come off again right away from the long ski days. Not a great time so far but then it got worse. Much worse.

Jan 2nd the phone rang. Robert called to me to pick up – it was my sister. Hmmm, my sister is an emotional vampire that I have chosen to stay away from for many years now. She was more hysterical than usual and it took me a while to get her to calm down and tell me what happened.
Our mother fell down the stairs and landed on the concrete floor on her head. She broke her neck and was being rushed to the hospital.

I remained calm and spoke clearly with my sister, asking for details and convincing her that our Mother was not going to die. Our Mother was too stubborn to die, I said emphatically over and over again. Somehow I felt that she was not going to die. When I got off the phone, a strange calm came over me and I sat down. We all know that our parents are going to die, and I wondered if this was going to be how it happened. Upon reflection, it did not seem real.

The phone rang many times that night and I received updates on my Mother’s prognosis. The admitting Doctor did not think she would survive the evening. She hit her head hard enough to break facial bones on the opposite side of her skull.

All bad news, but I remained calm until one last thing happened. Stunned, I sat in the dark in silence, reflecting on what was to come.

My earliest memory of my Mom is from when I was 5 or 6. Somebody thought that I should be taken into the hospital to see my Mother immediately after she had undergone shock therapy. As a little girl I was led by the hand through the hospital to the psych ward, past the zombies in housecoats to visit my Mother the zombie who was lying on the bed with motionless eyes.

Now, after all these years I would have to go to that same hospital and visit my Mom who will be lying on the bed in a coma.

Unbelievable. The depths of despair and anguish hit me and dropped me to the couch. I sat unmoving for 3 days. It is difficult to describe. There are no words.

I knew that I should fly back to the city to see her but I could do nothing. My pets felt the vacuum that had emerged in my spirit and sat with me, loyal and with unconditional love. I felt and needed their strength. My hero was my life – business partner Robert who was my rock and knew my needs before I did. My sister screamed at me and told me to get myself there.

In my business life I was very successful managing immense change and difficult high pressure situations and to say that I remained calm in the face of stress and disruption would be an understatement. Somehow in this strange situation I managed to get to the business meeting I had with a brand new client, and sitting there I could see that words were coming from his mouth and I heard nothing. Finally, I confessed my situation and asked for time. I am human. It was OK, and I left. It took me every ounce of strength that I had to drive 15 minutes and get myself back to the couch.

This “new years” horror story continued for a very long time. I self medicated with food and chocolate, and gained back a tremendous amount of the weight I had worked so hard to lose. I felt my Mother’s resonance with me through her illness and ultimate recovery after a long coma. In my own good time I walked into that hospital and saw my Mom in a coma and the old baggage “poof” was gone. The experience with my sister unbelievably became the greater trauma. The client turned out to be less interesting than I expected.

Important lessons that I learned include that it is OK to reach out for help. My client understood when I told him what happened, and Robert was always there for me when the panic came. I found out who my friends are.

Don’t expect more from people than what they are able to give. My sister is incapable of thinking of anyone else but herself especially in the extremes of this situation, and now I’ve learned to accept that and protect myself.

Trust myself and trust others as life without trust is not worth living. Asking for help is part of trust, and the circle of giving includes receiving.

Miracles happen! My Mom is walking now (with a walker) and has no signs of her past mental illness although she is still in hospital. This accident, It was a gift. For the first time in my life I have had normal conversations with my Mom because now she is thinks like normal person. My Mother had to fall down a flight of stairs so we could have a normal conversation. It is incredible!

Great tragedy can lead to even greater possibilities. The down times remind us of the intensity of our life and make the good times even better. Keep moving forward.

I also had a ‘drama queen friend’, and she acted in very similar ways. I was always there when she needed me, every day there was a crisis, I even solved her income problems by teaching her how to JV and then got her a client who paid her $5,000 US a month (in cash) on-going. When the energy sucking and drama of making up stories from any email that was sent to her or voice message became too much for me, I tried to talk to her about it. She cried said she knows she does this, even her husband and her have had many fights about this over the years and she apologized and said she would stop. She even thanked me for being truthful with her. 2 days later, she reverted back to her old ways, sent me a bridesmaid dress in pieces (she was to be part of my own wedding), and a letter saying she could not be a friend to me. She then said shed be open to talk, yet never took my calls. She was obviously not ready to stop being the star of her own soap opera and maybe I threatened that.

While it deeply saddened me to lose a friend. I realized later that we think so differently, while I want a joyful peaceful life, she thrives on creating chaos, so it was natural to move on.

Sometimes in business and in life we should release those people who are big drama queens (men or women) on a regular basis, and constantly suck our energy.

I have done this analysis with my circle group members. We look at who are our best clients and who are our clients who take up the most time, make continual and unusual complaints, make us feel like crap, are high drama or always the victim, never do what we teach them- and funny enough those are usually the people who spend the least on our products – yet cost us the MOST energy and time wise. At this point we can choose to let them go, and go find our ideal clients, people more suited for our path, or place some guidelines or buffers.

Taking a stand to release high energy sucking people out of our life, is about self care. After all if we’re just spinning our wheels – are we honoring ourselves, our work, our purpose or even them?

Its hard for me cause I always want to ‘rescue’ people. But I have learned that unless I can truly help them (and only upon their request), and they are truly ready to be helped, then helping those who aren’t just serves my need to save others from pain or anxiety -not them. So I either have to wait patiently till they are ready or reposition my need to help them.

For example, A woman I know traveled to India, she saw starving children and gave her money as she felt such anguish at their pain. Moments later she saw these children giving the money she gave them away to a fat man (essentially their pimp). So in reality these starving kids only got enough food to barely stay alive from this well fed man, while he kept the rest. If she continues to give to these kids she wouldn’t be helping them at all. As painful of a reality that was, she then researched charities that really help the poor there and donated with them.

Keeping that in mind, we sometimes cannot ‘rescue’ every one we meet. I have come to terms with that for the most part – which took me years. I now respect everyone’s own path, and realize that they have their own journey – even my old friend, and maybe they will learn what they need to learn in life in another way. Besides, who am I too judge what they SHOULD be learning or not? So I try not to anymore.

Reading everyone’s post, this may be a year to release people, products , deals, ways of thiking – ANYTHING that is not serving us to go where our heart and souls and life want us to go this year and beyond.

Maybe we are just stepping into a new wardrobe in life. We need to de-clutter what no longer fits us or makes us feel ad about ourselves.

Lets all get an energetic make-over and bring out our true beauty and true gifts to the world for others and ourselves.

OK, I’ll get off the soap box now. ha ha.

Stefanie

Your blind date story made me laugh!

And my own situation made me laugh as well. I think when things like this happen – something is trying to get our attention. In the end, there is nothing to do but laugh and appreciate, take our lumps, and lessons, let go and move on.

Stefanie

Blessings back to you my friend.

Stefanie

I am better now, not sick. I think writing out what I was going through and all my crazy thoughts seems to have cleansed me.

I feel renewed now.

Thank you for sharing your story with me and the readers. You have awesome insight into your own situation.

Stefanie